• Log on, wait a sec, then get a frightened look on your face and scream “Oh my God! They’ve found me!” and bolt.
• Laugh uncontrollably for about 3 minutes & then suddenly stop and look suspiciously at everyone who looks at you.
• When your computer is turned off, complain to the monitor on duty that you can’t get the damn thing to work. After he/she’s turned it on, wait 5 minutes, turn it off again, & repeat the process for a good half hour.
• Type frantically, often stopping to look at the person next to you evilly.
• Before anyone else is in the lab, connect each computer to different screen than the one it’s set up with.
• Write a program that plays the “Smurfs” theme song and play it at the highest volume possible over & over again.
• Work normally for a while. Suddenly look amazingly startled by something on the screen and crawl underneath the desk.
• Ask the person next to you if they know how to tap into top-secret Pentagon files.
• Use Interactive Send to make passes at people you don’t know.
• Make a small ritual sacrifice to the computer before you turn it on.
• Bring a chainsaw, but don’t use it. If anyone asks why you have it, say “Just in case…” mysteriously.
• Type on VAX for a while. Suddenly start cursing for 3 minutes at everything bad about your life. Then stop and continue typing.
• Enter the lab, undress, and start staring at other people as if they’re crazy while typing.
• Light candles in a pentagram around your terminal before starting.
• Ask around for a spare disk. Offer $2. Keep asking until someone agrees. Then, pull a disk out of your fly and say “Oops, I forgot.”
• Every time you press Return and there is processing time required, pray “Ohpleaseohpleaseohpleaseohplease,” and scream “YES!” when it finishes.
• “DISK FIGHT!!!”
• Start making out with the person at the terminal next to you (It helps if you know them, but this is also a great way to make new friends).
• Put a straw in your mouth and put your hands in your pockets. Type by hitting the keys with the straw.
• If you’re sitting in a swivel chair, spin around singing “The Lion Sleeps Tonight” whenever there is processing time required.
• Draw a picture of a woman (or man) on a piece of paper, tape it to your monitor. Try to seduce it. Act like it hates you and then complain loudly that women (men) are worthless.
• Try to stick a Nintendo cartridge into the 3 disc drive, when it doesn’t work, get the supervisor.
• When you are on an IBM, and when you turn it on, ask loudly where the smiling Apple face is when you turn on one of those.
• Print out the complete works of Shakespeare, then when its all done (two days later) say that all you wanted was one line.
• Sit and stare at the screen, biting your nails noisily. After doing this for a while, spit them out at the feet of the person next to you.
• Stare at the screen, grind your teeth, stop, look at the person next to grinding. Repeat procedure, making sure you never provoke the person enough to let them blow up, as this releases tension, and it is far more effective to let them linger.
• If you have long hair, take a typing break, look for split ends, cut them and deposit them on your neighbor’s keyboard as you leave.
• Put a large, gold-framed portrait of the British Royal Family on your desk and loudly proclaim that it inspires you.
• Come to the lab wearing several layers of socks. Remove shoes and place them of top of the monitor. Remove socks layer by layer and drape them around the monitor. Exclaim sudden haiku about the aesthetic beauty of cotton on plastic.
• Take the keyboard and sit under the computer. Type up your paper like this. Then go to the lab supervisor and complain about the bad working conditions.
• Laugh hysterically, shout “You will all perish in flames!!!” and continue working.
• Bring some dry ice & make it look like your computer is smoking.
• Assign a musical note to every key (ie. the Delete key is A Flat, the B key is F sharp, etc.). Whenever you hit a key, humits note loudly. Write an entire paper this way.
• Attempt to eat your computer’s mouse.
• Borrow someone else’s keyboard by reaching over, saying “Excuse me, mind if I borrow this for a sec?”, unplugging the keyboard & taking it.
• Bring in a bunch of magnets and have fun.
• When doing calculations, pull out an abacus and say that sometimes the old ways are best.
• Play Pong for hours on the most powerful computer in the lab.
• Make a loud noise of hitting the same key over and over again until you see that your neighbor is noticing (You can hit the space bar so your fill isn’t affected). Then look at your neighbor’s keyboard. Hit his/her delete key several times, erasing an entire word. While you do this, ask: “Does *your* delete key work?” Shake your head, and resume hitting the space bar on your keyboard. Keep doing this until you’ve deleted about a page of your neighbor’s document. Then, suddenly exclaim: “Well, whaddya know? I’ve been hitting the space bar this whole time. No wonder it wasn’t deleting! Ha!” Print out your document and leave.
• Remove your disk from the drive and hide it. Go to the lab monitor and complain that your computer ate your disk. (For special effects, put some Elmer’s Glue on or around the disk drive. Claim that the computer is drooling.)
• Stare at the person’s next to your’s screen, look really puzzled, burst out laughing, and say “You did that?” loudly. Keep laughing, grab your stuff and leave, howling as you go.
• Point at the screen. Chant in a made up language while making elaborate hand gestures for a minute or two. Press return or the mouse, then leap back and yell “COVEEEEERRRRRR!” peek up from under the table, walk back to the computer and say. “Oh, good. It worked this time,” and calmly start to type again.
• Keep looking at invisible bugs and trying to swat them.
• See who’s online. Send a total stranger a talk request. Talk to them like you’ve known them all your lives. Hang up before they get a chance to figure out you’re a total stranger.
• Bring an small tape player with a tape of really absurd sound effects. Pretend it’s the computer and look really lost.
• Pull out a pencil. Start writing on the screen. Complain that the lead doesn’t work.
• Come into the computer lab wearing several endangered species of flowers in your hair. Smile incessantly. Type a sentence, then laugh happily, exclaim “You’re such a marvel!!”, and kiss the screen. Repeat this after every sentence. As your ecstasy mounts, also hug the keyboard. Finally, hug your neighbor, then the computer assistant, and walk out.
• Run into the computer lab, shout “Armageddon is here!!!!!”, then calmly sit down and begin to type.
• Quietly walk into the computer lab with a Black and Decker chainsaw, rev that baby up, and then walk up to the nearest person and say “Give me that computer or you’ll be feeding my pet crocodile for the next week”.
• Two words: Tesla Coil.

* Your last name stays put.
* The garage is all yours.
* Wedding plans take care of themselves.
* Chocolate is just another snack.
* You can be president.
* You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park.
* Car mechanics tell you the truth.
* You don’t give a rat’s *** if someone notices your new haircut.
* The world is your urinal.
* You never have to drive to another gas station because this one’s just too icky.
* Same work…more pay.
* Wrinkles add character.
* You don’t have to leave the room to make emergency crotch adjustments.
* Wedding Dress $5000; Tux rental $100.
* People never stare at your chest when you’re talking to them… but even if they did, you wouldn’t give a d***!
* The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected.
* New shoes don’t cut, blister, or mangle your feet.
* Your pals can be trusted never to trap you with: “So, notice anything different?”
* One mood, ALL the d*** time.
* Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
* You know stuff about tanks.
* A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.
* You can open all your own jars.
* Dry cleaners and hair stylists don’t rob you blind.
* You can leave the motel bed unmade.
* You can kill your own food.
* You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
* If someone forgets to invite you to something, he or she can still be your friend.
* Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack.
* If you are 35 and single, nobody notices.
* Everything on your face stays its original color.
* You can quietly enjoy a car ride from the passenger’s seat.
* Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.
* You don’t have to clean your apartment if the maid is coming.
* You can quietly watch a game with your buddy for hours without ever thinking: “He must be mad at me.”
* You don’t mooch off other’s desserts.
* You can drop by to see a friend without having to bring a little gift.
* If another guy shows up at the party in the same outfit, you just might become lifelong friends.
* You are not expected to know the names of more than five colors.
* You don’t have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.
* You almost never have strap problems in public.
* You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.
* The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.
* You don’t have to shave below your neck.
* Your belly usually hides your big hips.
* One wallet and one pair of shoes, one color, all seasons.
* You can “do” your nails with a pocketknife.
* You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.
* Christmas shopping can be accomplished for 25 relatives on December 24th, in 45 minutes.

Upon dying, Bill Gates went to purgatory.
St. Peter said to his, “Now Bill, you have done some good things, and you have done some bad things. Now I am going to let you decide where you want to go”.
So ,Bill takes a look at hell and sees these beautiful women running around, in 80 degree temperature, on beautiful beaches.
Then he took a look at heaven and it was nice, you know harps and singing and worship and stuff like that.
So he said to St. Peter that he would like to go to hell.
About a week later, St. Peter went down to hell to check on Bill. There he saw him, being whipped by demons.
He said to St. Peter, “What happened to all the beautiful women, and the beaches and the 80 degree temperature?” Peter replied, “That was just the screen saver.”

Bill Clinton, Al Gore, and Bill Gates all died in a plane crash and went to meet their maker. The supreme deity turned to Al and asked, tell what is important about yourself. Al responded that he felt that the earth was the ultimate importance and that protecting the earth’s ecological system was most important. God looked to Al and said, ” I like the way you think, come and sit at my left hand”. God then asked Bill Clinton what he revered most. Bill Clinton responded that he felt people and their personal choices were most important. God responded, ” I like the way you think, come and sit at my right hand”. God then turned to Bill Gates, who was staring at him indignantly. God asked “What is your problem Bill Gates?” Bill responded ” I think you are sitting in my chair”.

Good math here